Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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