Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
