I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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