sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The adults are the big ones right?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
