I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize