I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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