It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
