My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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