i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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