Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
being pregnant is like rehab
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
