i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
