So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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