Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
