He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
