My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
