so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
