for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
