Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
barbara walters just said penis...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
