i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
why didn't you poke me back
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
