Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Please don't give away my fajitas
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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