i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if only i could text you this smell
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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