pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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