I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
