We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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