Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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