Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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