if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize