I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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