I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize