Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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