she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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