i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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