so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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