Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
