Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
