I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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