just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
