I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
