i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
