I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize