i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
