I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
