Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
