I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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