Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
This baby is an asshole
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
