May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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