Sry I called you an 8
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
