I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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