Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
