her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize