He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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