she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
