apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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