im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
