My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
