You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
